But wait, things are about to get worse!
Next we have . . . keep it. . . AI bad.
AI has the potential to kill us all. That slightly pessimistic reading comes from a group of very bright people from around the world, many of them certified AI brains, who just issued an open letter warning that we could all go belly up if we don’t put our heads and arms around this artificial intelligence. thing ready. Some of them have compared the emergence of AI to that of the atomic bomb.
As your self-proclaimed resident sports futurist, who barely scraped sophomore geometry, I don’t have the natural intelligence to know if AI is what ultimately sends us up in smoke. It took me years to figure out the NHL’s two-line offside rule, and then, just like that, they got rid of it. Coincidence? I do not think so. Right there is when I started wondering if anyone or anything out there was, you know, linking my thoughts.
James Miller, an economics professor at Smith College, got straight to the point in his assessment of artificial intelligence, according to a story by Globe reporter Hiawatha Bray:
I think it’s more likely to kill everyone. . . sometime in the next 20 years.
Yes. Buzzkill him. Open the capsule doors, please, HAL. Oh, HAL. . . HI?!
So I decided to go the other way on this in the sports world. If AI is coming, I say do it. If Professor Miller is right, we have somewhere between this morning and 20 years more mornings to grasp AI and party like in 1999. He Packs the Boats.
For starters, just think of the never-ending list of things injured AI could have spared us here if it had arrived a long time ago.
Hard to know where to start, really, but… . .
AI would have Bill Buckner ready, glove in the dirt, for the ground ball in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. First place routine, Vin Scully would say. Buckner picks it up, steps first, and it’s into the 11th inning here at Shea. Curse of the Bambino ends with the Buckners’ inside-the-park home run at the 13th.
No way Don Cherry shuffles his numbers at the Montreal Forum in 1979. Artificial intelligence doesn’t allow him to send a skater over the wall and the last 2:34 burn time. No Guy Lafleur draw. No winner Yvon Lambert. The Bruins advance to the cup final and beat Rangers for their third championship of the decade. Cherry returned for another five years.
The 2007 Patriots finish 19-0 as Super Bowl champions. The AI has Rodney Harrison positioned just that half step in front of Eli Mannings’ pass and knocks the ball right off David Tyrees’ helmet. Clang! Final score: Patriots 14, Giants 10. I swear I had that ball, right here, said a despondent Tyree, touching the side of his head.
On a cold January morning in 1920, AI slips a handwritten note under Harry Frazee’s pillow: Don’t even think about it. Babe Ruth reports to Red Sox spring training weeks later and skipper Ed Barrow converts him to a full-time outfielder. The Back Bay Bambino retires with 714 homers and a string of Oldsmobile dealerships throughout New England.
The AI headset whispers, Curve, low and far, into Carlton Fisk’s earpiece as Mike Torrez searches for the sign. Bucky Dent hits a roller to right side that Jerry Remy throws to George Scott to end the inning. The Sox get a 2-0 win over the Yankees in the 1978 one-game playoff. Fisk, postgame: Big shot by Taco that takes us out of seventh.
Meanwhile, the arrival of AI today coincides perfectly with the explosion of sports betting. Well, all gigunda winners. Billions await us. At least for one day.
Because what will MGM, DraftKings, FanDuel and the rest of the money-grubbers do when the AI spits out all the winning numbers and we tap our bets on our mobile apps. No vigs to skim. Just payments, payments, payments!
It will be the end of sports betting as we know it, even before the rest of their world ends as we know it, in the next 20 years. Tell me the downside here. Sure, AIs brought us all to the brink of being reduced to billions of years old carbon, but we were all walking away rich. Reminder: Get your bets early.
AI will remove all the guesswork on draw day, all leagues, all sports. For example, on draft day 2015, Bruins GM Don Sweeney would say no to Jakub Zboril, Jake DeBrusk and Zach Senyshyn, and instead return to the Hub with Mathew Barzal, Kyle Connor and Sebastian Aho. I will change my life. The Celtics on draft day could count on the next Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish to walk through that door. Guaranteed.
In the NFL, the latest AI brain factor will instantly tell us if a play is offside, if there was pass interference, if the outfielder was in control of the ball before his toe went out of bounds, or the knee touches the ground. Perfect. Damn, whatever you do, AI would have informed the Bills Scott Norwood, don’t kick him right.
Extended CBA interviews? Please forget it. Contract negotiations, strikes and lockouts will disappear permanently with AI. Instead, the commissioner or league president can plug all the key factors into something like ChatGPT, request a four- or five-year option, and soon, the perfect collective bargaining agreement will appear in less than 60 seconds. Sign on the dotted line.
The AI thing is happening fast here folks, faster than Bullet Bob Hayes, faster than Rocket Richard, faster than the Bruins lost that 3-1 lead to the Panthers, faster than the 3 touch disappearance points by Jayson Tatum.
I’ve seen too many things go wrong here to care. Then I’ll be at the concession stand, where AI, I’m told, came up with the perfect pour.
Editor’s note: Kevin Paul Dupont’s first signing appeared in the sports section of the Globes 50 years ago this past weekend. He swears AI hasn’t contributed a word to this column.
Kevin Paul Dupont can be reached at kevin.dupont@globe.com.
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